Our Story and Marriage Boundaries
Jeff and I got married June 3, 2017 and met on August 7, 2016. We married later in life, me at 40 and him at 39. So we had definitely both dated in our past and knew when we dated this time around we wanted to date God’s way. We both have a strong Christian background and knew placing God first in our marriage was a top priority. When we met, I had just finished writing my book Waiting While Dating (book launch here) and was in the editing phase of the book, so of course was going to ask Jeff every question in my book to see if he was a marriage contender. He answered every question right on point and after I had finished asking him all of the questions, I knew this was the guy for me.
One of my topics in the book relates to boundaries. Boundaries will look different while dating than marriage and will also be different for every couple. It was very interesting to learn about the different types of boundaries that every couple I interviewed in the book had. Jeff and I had boundaries when we dated and after we got married, we sat down and both wrote our agreed upon boundaries. In fact, we have them taped up in our house so everything is clear.
I decided to publish our marriage boundaries after 1) being asked about our personal boundaries from other dating and married couples to find out what they looked like and 2) to have a place to easily share our boundaries with other people and couples that are apart of our lives. As with any relationship, when things are very clear and stated out, it makes things easier and there are no grey areas.
Below are our boundaries. I hope they help you get ideas for your own boundaries or at least a good start point. Again, it’s a personal choice and everyone’s boundaries will look completely different from others and at the end of the day, it is what is best for the couple.
Happy Boundary List Making!
Our personal boundaries for a strong, clear Christian marriage
“Therefore what God has joined together, let me no one separate”-Mark 10:9
*If a female or male ask to friend request, let the other partner know. After marriage, not accepting any friends from the opposite sex except from family. If one partner is uncomfortable with another one, to no longer have them in your “friends” list. Putting the marriage first before others. Protect your marriage first. You may experience previous relationships will no longer be apart of your lives if they do not respect your boundaries. Friends I make also want the best for my marriage and I want the best for theirs so equally respect their boundaries they have set.
*If receive a message from opposite sex, inform other partner and message contents
*If needed, honor the message layout and send to other partner sharing our social media boundaries
*CC or BCC on e-mail communications with the opposite sex when needed (ex.) more of a friend e-mail, not daily business communication (see how clear it needs to be? )However, we let each other know what is going on in our career life daily and those communications also verbally.
*Keep each other posted on work people. If needed, can bcc the e-mails. When texting, notify the other person, offer to let them read it or what their preference is
*No ongoing phone calls with friends of opposite sex. If need to speak with them, one of us is nearby within listening distance and knows you are on the call.
* During dinner time, keep each other posted on what’s going on. Let the other one know who they have spoken to, heard from, etc.
In Person boundaries:
*No meals alone with opposite sex
*If in a meeting, in a public place with door open and inform other partner before and after meeting. Bring a third person along if possible.
Read what the Netflix, movie, etc. is about and if nudity or content that would make the other person feel uncomfortable is listed, skip watching that film. If something pops up on a commercial or movie not anticipated that’s not appropriate, the other partner will look away out of respect until it’s over (ex.) a lingerie commercial coming on, etc.
We also have Netnanny installed on the home computer.
Each scenario may be different. Bottom line is to COMMUNICATE with the other partner, let them know what is going on and what their comfort level is on how to handle. Make the other person feel protected, cared for and a priority. Some situations may feel uncomfortable, but we can’t be scared to hurt someone else’s feelings to protect our union.
When at a cross roads, seek guidance and counsel from a Christian mentor
Other situations will pop up, deal with them individually as they occur. Pray about each situation when needed.
Your spouse will not be your complete source of happiness, that is with your relationship with Christ. Your spouse WILL let you down, disappoint you and sin. And guess what? You WILL do the same with them. Every day is work, your are constantly dating your spouse. Marriage is a daily commitment. ANY relationship is work, and marriage is no different. That includes working on yourself as well (which is very difficult but produces the best results).
Recommended reading: “What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?” by Gary Thomas
Recommended community for Married Couples: (click link)
Recommended resources for Married Couples (click link)
Recommended community for Engaged Couples: (click link)
Recommended Resources for Men: Men’s Roundtable: (click link)
Want to know the questions I asked Jeff during our courtship?
Enjoy my book “Waiting While Dating: Christian Couples Who Kept God First From Courtship To Marriage” On Amazon, Kindle and Audible (Narrated by Jeff and Lindsey)!
Also check out the Waiting While Dating book launch event here!